The Spiderman Hat

I stopped by the Piggly Wiggly on my way back to the office after lunch today. I normally don’t like to shop there because they don’t always have what I want and because they’re not always very clean. However, I was running out of time, and it was on the way, so I stopped. Ugh, they didn’t have any organic spaghetti sauce, and their black beans weren’t with all the other beans so I almost didn’t find them, and they only had one size (itty bitty) of the cheese I wanted. By the time I was ready to check out I had gotten frustrated by this backwards small town store. Thoughts were racing through my head about the unavailability of the things I “need” and how much I missed Atlanta sometimes, and about how of all the teeth that should be in this store, there probably was only 75% of them present and accounted for.

Then I got to the check-out line and couldn’t help but smile. There was a little old man in front of me in line and he was wearing jeans, an old button-up shirt, suspenders, and this old camouflage cap that had spiderman’s face on it. I smiled because for Granddaddy’s last birthday we had thrown a Spiderman party, complete with streamers, noise-makers, and a card that said “Happy Birthday Super Hero!” when you opened it. I told him that I liked his hat and he thanked me and told me that he had found it. At that moment I just hoped that he meant he had “found it” in his garage and not just lying around somewhere.

We proceeded through the check-out line, as I listened to a woman ask another woman how her mother was doing. The old man paid for his groceries and started to walk out, but was greeted by a younger guy who must have known him because he flashed a big smile, and stopped to say hello. I heard him ask, “You doin’ awright?” and noted how genuine he was in his question. It wasn’t just another courtesy “How are you?” that is so often all we have time for. It was genuine, he truly wanted to know... which sounds like a simple thing, but it’s really not anymore. Sadly we don’t always have time to (or maybe we just don’t want to) really listen when people answer that question.

I paid for my groceries and got into my car. As I started it up I saw the old man walk out of the store. He stopped, pulled some money out of his wallet and stuffed it in the donation can just outside the door… the one sitting by a teenage girl who was holding a sign that said “Help the Fund for Abused Children.” As I walked into the store I had avoided eye contact with her, and as I walked out I had forgotten all about her and didn’t even notice her again as I walked by. But the little old man who was wearing the hat that he “found” had noticed and had given whatever was at the bottom of his pocket. My guess is that it was every bit of change that he just gotten back from his grocery purchase.

I pulled out of the parking lot and found myself hoping that this small town would rub off on me. I tend to think of myself as someone who appreciates the aspects of small town southern life, but this little experience had been a bit of an eye-opener, and one that frankly left me feeling somewhat ashamed. Clearly I haven’t been here long enough or I wouldn’t have been miffed about the absence of organic spaghetti sauce and I wouldn’t have avoided the eyes of someone who needed my help.

Looks like I still have a thing or two to learn about being “cultured.”

CHARGE!!

Scott went to Birmingham this weekend to visit the guys and also to get his car checked out. I had a productive study weekend all by myself, and in just two short days I've observed two things:

1) I know I've said this before... but Scott makes me feel whole. I know that's really lame, but being in this house this weekend without him... i wouldn't say it felt empty... it just felt incomplete. In just a few short weeks, "my house" has become "our house" and his absence this weekend was noticeable. All weekend I've felt like one of those run-on sentences that goes on and on about nothing but never really gets to the point and never makes any sort of meaningful observation, but instead rambles and rambles about nothingness until you're grasping for a the nearest punctuation mark to bring some sort of closure to all of these half-hearted thoughts. Yeah, like one of those. Yeah, so I missed him. So what! I realize it was only 48 hours, but I missed him... and that's okay. I'm happy knowing that when my love is gone I notice the void. If I didn't notice, then I'd be worried.

2) I feel better about the bar exam (slightly). I had a pretty beneficial study day with a pal of mine from law school. Very smart guy, with an almost photographic memory... very good at picking up on things that get tested repeatedly. So it was productive. I feel a little more like this thing is doable... which is a long way from where I was Thursday night when I was up sobbing, vomiting, and convinced that "God doesn't want me to be a lawyer." Yeah, it was pretty rough... but I've decided this... He has never taken something from me that I thought I wanted without throwing me into another situation that I wouldn't have chosen by myself, without Him placing me there. And right now... I may not have gotten what I wanted, but I also haven't seen any indication that my path should vary. There have been no clues that my direction should change other than my own failure... my own shortcomings. So maybe this time God isn't allowing me to cling to my failure as "just His way of showing me where to go." Maybe God is tired of me using my failures as his signposts. Instead I should be a champion and use my victories as His signposts... and if there was no obstacle, then there would be nothing to champion. So my armor is on now... and I would like to think that I have never faced anything in my life without a hell of a fight... this should be no different.

Cruisin' for a Bruisin'

Lots of big things happening these days.

Let’s see, first thing’s first… I just got back from an AWESOME cruise! My parents found this cruise and gave it to us for Christmas. The ship sailed out of Miami and went to Key West and Calica, Mexico. But who cares where it went, because the best part was being on the ship with all the bands!! About 10 bands performed almost constantly, including Lynyrd Skynyrd, Marshall Tucker Band, Georgia Satellites, and Cowboy Mouth!!! It was incredible! We had a great group with us too. It was my parents, their best friends from college, another couple they knew, and Mark and Lindsey even got to break away from Seattle.

A week later (see the whirlwind building?) Scott moved in. I have to admit I had been pretty nervous about this. Like I’ve said before, we were really hoping to be able to wait until we were married to live together, but I’m tired of waiting dangit! It sounds like plan is to be engaged in the next 6 months, and it just seemed so wasteful for Scott to find a lease for a year or maybe less, and for me to swing such a huge rent by myself, when we knew that we would be spending so much time at each other’s places anyway. Plus, the main thing that’s been holding back the engagement has been money, and I think we’ll really be able to save a bunch if we’re living together. At least that’s what my girl-math has told me. So anyway, we bit the bullet and moved him in.

I was also worried about how his presence would affect my studying. But so far, I’ve studied MORE with him there. Haha, now that could be partly due to him banishing me back to my desk every time I get distracted (hmmm, sounds like someone wants to make sure he’s not stuck paying off my student loans all by himself!). But I think it’s also because it’s been less stressful with him there, and so I’ve had more TIME to study. Now I have someone to help with the dishes, the laundry, controlling Attie, etc. I also don’t think I realized just how stressful it is to be away from the one you love. I hadn’t had to do it in a while and I guess I just forgot how hard it was. You’re constantly stressing about when you’re going to get to see him again, how you’re going to afford all this gas money you’re spending, why he hasn’t called yet, trying to find time to call HIM so that he’s not worrying about the same thing, blah blah blah, it’s just always something. So anyway, it’s been nice… really really nice. In fact as my married sister put it, “It’s kinda like everything has just fallen into place huh?” Yep, it’s exactly like that. Well said Lindsey.

Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay

New Year's Eve was nice... really nice. Scott drove down on Sunday evening and grilled steaks... YUM! I had to work monday (blech!) but when I came home I had such a nice surprise waiting on me!! I had started painting my downstairs bathroom, but had run out of paint. When I came home, Scott had gone to Lowe's, bought more paint, and finished painting my bathroom for me! Yay! Plus he made copies of the house keys, cleaned up the kitchen and did the dishes from the night before (which I had left a WRECK), swept the entire downstairs, gotten out the leaf blower and blown off the back deck, replaced the light on the front porch, and set up the ipod docking thingy that he got me for Christmas! I was so excited. Everything was so clean and fixed and nice. I was VERY happy!

I thought I'd return the favor by making a yummy dinner. I had a craving for spinach dip, but didn't really have a recipe, so I just made one up and it turned out awesome. It had spinach (obviously) sauteed shallots and bacon, ricotta cheese, and feta cheese. Mmmmm! Then I made a Pizzagna that I saw rachel Ray make the week before. It was good too, and Scott says both recipes were difinitely "going in the lineup."

We debated going out for the evening. Neither of us wanted to fight crowds, traffic, but we also didn't want to just sit at home. We decided on a movie. Sounds lame, and maybe it was since wew were probably the only people at the theater who were under the age of 55, but we hadn't been to a movie just the two of us in a while, so Iw as kind of excited. We saw "Charlie Wilson's War." Excellent movie! Everyone should see it.

We left the theater about 11 and went home to get champagne and our 2008 flutes that Mom had given us for Christmas. We headed to a small, secluded pier that I had come across a few weeks ago. It overlooked the bay, and you could see the lights of Mobile on the other side. It was the perfect spot to watch fireworks, snuggle, and get a midmight kiss.
Haha, then we came home, drank the rest of the champagne, and watched "Family Guy" till about 2:30. Like I said... not the most exciting night... but really nice and even a little romantic :-) I'm starting to get even more excited about him comign down here. Oh, and I'm starting to get really really really excited about our cruise next week!!

Mind the Gap

Well… it’s been a long time since my last entry, and a lot has happened. First things first… some good news and some bad news. Bad news: Scott lost his job. UGH! I know! I’m soooo tired of this happening to him, and to us. I feel terrible for him, because he really worked hs ass off at this job. He was always working late, and working weekends and going the extra mile for the customer. He TRIPLED the profits in that shop within a month of being there, and kept them that way the whole time. He was turning out computers much faster than the last guy. He really gave it his all, and I think that makes it worse because now he feels like even his best wasn’t good enough. And why was he fired? We don’t even know!! His boss just walked up to him one afternoon and said “So I’ve decided to let you go. I’m just not happy. I’ll take your cell phone and your key card now.” And that was it!! That was all he said to him!! Can you believe that?!? Scott was in shock. Then I think he got pretty down on himself, and now he’s moving into the pissed off stage. Although, if you really get him to talk about it, he’s still pretty down on himself… feeling pretty worthless.

So, that’s the bad news. The good news though, the sort of silver lining, is that he’ll be moving down here sooner than expected. He was waiting until the end of his lease to move, which would be at the beginning of March. We had talked a couple of times about him moving down early, but he didn’t want to because he wanted to rack up as much time with this job as possible before his lease ran out. But now that the job is gone, there’s really nothing keeping him in Birmingham, so he’s going to move down here in a few weeks.

Where’s he living you ask? With me. And I really have mixed feelings about it. For the longest time I have said that I didn’t want to live together until we were married. I just felt like that was one of the “sacred” things that came with marriage, and I just wanted to keep it special. There’s a certain intimacy that you get from living with someone, and I guess I was just hoping that would be something that we could wait to experience until we were husband and wife. And when I say “intimacy”, no, I’m not talking about sex. Scott and I have made certain commitments concerning that. Those commitments didn’t change when we started staying with each other more often and they won’t change once we’re officially living together. I mean the intimacy that comes from spending THAT much time with someone. I don’t know, maybe I’m making too much of a deal out of it. We’ve been together for six years… as much as I’ve stayed at his place during that time, I know how he lives. There shouldn’t really be fights over dirty dishes, sleep habits, or other things you argue about when you first start living together, because there shouldn’t really be any surprises in that area. But I’m still kind of sad about not being able to save this experience until we’re married.

I feel like I kind of have to get over that though. I mean, when we were in Birmingham, we stayed together probably 3 nights a week, and it would probably be more now that he wouldn’t have roommates. So I just feel like it’s ridiculous to pay for two separate places when we’d be spending that much time together. It’s just STUPID financially. My other concern (and I feel SO superficial for even having this concern) is what other people will think, particularly my family and anyone at work that might find out. By the way, Christel, Anu , and Monica… mum’s the word at the office or you’ll be sorry! See, this is why I don’t like to let co-workers be my myspace friends… but ANYWAY. I’m not worried about my parents, they’re fine with it, surprisingly. I’m more worried about family members like my grandparents. I mean, how do I look my Grandaddy in the eye and refer to that house as “ours” and not feel like he thinks I’m a huge skank?

I feel bad now, because this sounds like I’m not excited about Scott moving in, which isn’t true. I’m ecstatic!! I can’t wait to be able to have him around all the time, to not have to miss him everyday because I know I’ll get to see him that night.I can’t wait for us to start forging out our own routines and traditions. Oooooh, and I can’t WAIT to never have to do laundry again!! Scott thinks he does it better and has insisted that I relinquish my laundry duties to him. As you can imagine, I didn’t put up much of a fight… “You’re right babe, I SUCK at laundry!! You should totally do it all so I don’t mess up our clothes.”

Okay, so that’s what’s new on the Scott front. How about my Christmas and Thanksgiving? They were both nice, but somehow didn’t feel real… especially Thanksgiving. I think part of it is because Lindsey was stuck working in Seattle and couldn’t come home for either one. The other part I think (and you’re going to think this is really stupid) is that I’m not in school anymore. I mean, for the last 21 years of my life (since I started school) Christmas has been marked with nearly a whole month off! That really gives you a lot of time to relax and star getting excited about it. There’s time to shop for gifts, plan the perfect menu, and tons of time for family and friends. I would have so much time to spend with my parents, that I would have spare time…enough so that I could spend time with Scott’s family and even seen friends that I hadn’t seen in a long time. But now that I’m working there was just no time for any of that. The shopping got accomplished after work, when I was already tired and didn’t feel like fighting crowds, and when I felt guilty for being out shopping when I should be at home studying. And when I finally DID get time off, it felt like a whirlwind. Instead of a long Thanksgiving or Christmas break… I felt like I had just gotten a long weekend. It just wasn’t the same. This probably wouldn’t bother me nearly as much if I thought this was a temporary state. But it’s not. This is final. I know that this is the way it’s going to have to be from now on... and I don’t like it. I feel SO immature for having these thoughts. It makes me sound like I don’t want to grow up... and maybe that’s the case. But I think it’s more that I don’t want to disconnect from the things I enjoy. I talked to Scott about it some over Christmas break. He just said that we’re getting to a point where it just won’t be possible for us to spend as much time with our friends and extended family. He said that we’re going to have to lean on each other more and let one another be enough, and fill that gap that’s missing for me right now. That will be nice, because I don't like the gap i'm feeling right now. this will probably be much easier for us once we get back in the same city again. He also said maybe we should just know to hoard our vacation days every year so that we can take an extra long vacation at Christmas so that I’ll always feel Christmas-y. That’s probably a good idea, because I don’t think I can do another whirlwind Christmas.

Happy Birthday to ME!!!

So my birthday was pretty great. One of the best I’ve had in years I think. One of my cousins, Brian, was getting married on Saturday so my parents were already coming down for the wedding. Scott came in Friday night. He doesn’t close the shop till 5, so I was expecting him in around 8:30 or 9:00. I had planned to help my Aunt Agnes with the rehearsal dinner and get finished about the time Scott got to my house. Well guess what, Scott got Jeremy to close up for him, and Scott was able to leave around 3. When I got home from the rehearsal dinner he was already at my house and had put up streamers all over the downstairs and a “happy birthday” sign on the fireplace mantle. If you know Scott, you know that surprising me like this is a BIG deal. He hates surprises for himself and so isn’t very good at making surprises for other people. Plus, his family never made a big deal out of birthdays growing up... haha, so he thinks my family is crazy for celebrating our “birthday week” like we do. But anyways, it was a wonderful surprise.

We spent the evening eating take-out, snuggling and watching movies in bed. It was nice. The next day we got up and met my parents, and Aunt Pam and Uncle Don at this really fancy restaurant on the causeway for lunch. Aunt Pam and Uncle Don were celebrating their anniversary, so we all got free deserts... YUMmmmm!! Everyone else went back to the hotel downtown for the afternoon, but Scott and I went back to my house to rest and watch the GA-Fla game. Goooooo Dawgs!!! We won 42-30!! TI was a great game to watch. We also stopped in at a few furniture stores, because Scott ahd decided he wanted to buy me a sofa-table for my birthday present. We didn’t see anything we really loved though, so we’re going to look some more when I’m in Birmingham this weekend. Then Scott and I got dressed up to head downtown for the wedding reception.

This reception was GORGEOUS!!! It as at the bride’s step-father’s house that overlooked Dog River. There was a long pier, and when the full moon came out from behind the cloud it lit up the water and almost seemed like it was daytime. There were lights strung and a huge tent with delicious food, a black & white dance floor put down on the grass by the water, and a really great band! My whole family was there… and I’ve said this before... Jordan family functions are FUN!!! Everyone was dancing and laughing, and drinking… it was a really good time. And I have to say, I’m a sucker for dancing with Scott to “Wonderful Tonight”… gets me every time.

After the reception we all went back to my parents’ and aunt/uncle’s hotel and hung out in he lobby forever just drinking and talking and laughing. Scott and I went home about 2am... and my parents stayed up till 4am!!! Yep, I got out-partied by my 54 and 55 year old parents… oh well. I guess that makes me feel better about getting older, haha, it doesn’t seem to be slowing them down any!! Dad and I had talked about going dove hunting the next afternoon with my cousins Jeffrey, Michael, Chad, and Uncle Doug. Haha, but Dad and Uncle Doug weren’t really in any shape to go… maybe next weekend!

Tempered Steel

Soooo Friday I got some bad news.... yep, it just keeps coming. I found out I didn't pass the bar exam. I can't even tell you the shock and disappointment I felt. I wouldn't even be writing about it on here if it weren't for the fact that everyone already knows. Yeah, thanks for that one AL Bar Association! Would it really have killed you to wait a little bit before adding all the names to the directory so that my failure could be searched out by anyone and everyone who cared to know? I was/am so embarrassed, and the fact that I'm embarrassed just makes me feel shallow for putting so much stock in what others think.

I had quit crying by the end of the day on Friday. Scott tried to get the day off work so that he could stay home and be with me, but they wouldn't let him. So I sat alone in my house, packing to move to Mobile for a job in a profession that now feels so incredibly unattainable. So many things have gone through my head lately. I spent that morning trying to decide if this was God's way of telling me I shouldn't be a lawyer. I’ve decided that I don’t think that’s what he’s trying to say to me… but it did make me seriously question, and that’s really scary.

After a couple days I kind of shifted from feeling mostly embarrassed to just sad. I worked so hard…. SO hard… and it just hurts to know that all that work means nothing. I tried to minimize my distractions, to only focus on studying. I even sent Attie home to stay with my parents for the last three weeks so that I could spend more time at the library. I tried to schedule my time, and set mini-goals. I used every study aid I could get my hands on without going completely insane or starting to feel the effects of losing sleep. I failed. And it just hurts SO much to know that I wasn’t able to do something that I put my mind to. I’ve gotten used to not being able to make my body do the things I want it to… I’ve learn to accept that no matter how hard I try, there are some physical goals that I will never meet. But this is new for me… it was mental. I’ve never faced anything that I wasn’t able to make my mind do. I feel stupid, I really do. Of course I know logically that I’m not stupid… but it sure does feel that way. I walked into work this morning and for the first time felt like I didn’t belong… like I was somehow unworthy.

So, what’s the next step? Well, I can take the exam again in February. That’s a long time to wait, but I guess on the upside, that’s a long time to study. I guess the other good news is that I know where I need to work. My essays were fine… but my score on the multiple choice part was pretty bad. I knew all along that if I failed, that would be the part that did it to me. I kept getting bad scores on every practice test I took. No matter what I did, I just couldn’t bring it up. So that’s definitely where I need to focus. Also, I only missed the cut of by a few points, which is SO frustrating!

I’m doing better today than I was on Friday, that’s for sure. I’ve gotten a lot of good advice from people. Dad gave me this whole speech about tempered steel and how they make steel stronger by putting it in the furnace for a while, then beating the hell out of it until all the molecules are bunched together, then they stick it in the furnace again and do the same thing until the steel is as strong as it needs to be. Apparently this is just the part of the process where I’m getting the hell beat out of me. Lindsey (sister) said “You shouldn’t let some test measure you. You know what you’re good at. Be your own measure.” And Scott pointed out that even thought he knows I’m sad and embarrassed and disappointed, that not passing doesn’t wreck any of our plans. Luckily my job wasn’t contingent on passing, (and the people there have been wonderful about the whole thing… telling me just to let them know if there’s anything they can do to help get me ready for February), I’m still moving to Mobile, he’ll still be moving down in March so we can be together, we’ll still keep to our plan, and most of all he still loves me.

Mike told me that he’s comforted by the fact that I’m “incredibly tough,” so that’s what I’m trying to be… mostly because I don’t have a choice. I still want this for myself, I still want to practice law. I still believe that I have talents that are meant to be used for something special. And Mike was right… if someone had told me before I started law school that it would be extra hard for me, and that I would hit these bumps and would have to keep going… I still would have gone.

But yeah… so if you’d heard the rumor that I failed, it’s true. And yes, I was devastated… as anyone would have been. But I’m doing better, I’m trying not to think about the fact that I’m still not a “real lawyer” like all my friends. I’ll get there eventually, I will. Haha, and man when I do, I guess I’ll know a hell of a lot of law because guess what… I did this crap TWICE!!!